･ﾟ✧ himym.cookies.eliatal.xyz ✧ﾟ･

How I Approved Your Cookies*

"Kids, in the fall of 2026, your father did something legen— wait for it —dary*: he said yes to cookies."

narrated by Future Dad, who will take nine seasons to get to the point. *Your mother has the final ruling on what counts as legendary. It's literally the title of the show.

A tray of warm chocolate chip cookies on a kitchen counter, with a yellow umbrella leaning beside it and a blue French horn on the wall.
the goal. (umbrella and French horn not included.)
legendary_permit.exe

Goliath National Bakery · Dept. of Awesome*

The Legendary Cookie Permit*

This certifies that Elia Tal has legen— wait for it —dary approval from Dad* to make cookies. Challenge accepted.

Permit no.
COOKIE-0001 (Barney Edition)
Issued
20 September 2026
Valid until
the cookies run out, or 2 AM**
Approved by
Dad. In a suit.*** True story.
Slap Bet Commissioner
The Mother.†
Final authority
Also The Mother.† It's in the title.
Dad* signature of awesome, approving Dad
countersignature of The Mother (yellow umbrella = final ruling)†

*"Legendary", "Awesome", "Approval" and "Dept. of Awesome" refer to the opinions of Dad, which are advisory. Any Dad decision may be overruled, overthrown, reversed or vetoed by your mother at any time, for any reason, including no reason. LAWYERED.

**Nothing good happens after 2 AM. That's your mother's rule, which makes it the only actual rule on this permit.

***The suit is an apron. Dad has been informed that "Suit up!" does not apply near flour.

†The show is called How I Met Your Mother, not How I Met Your Dad's Opinions. Her ruling is final. There is no appeal, no slap bet, and no "but, um".

*For use on doubters. Not effective against The Mother. Do not "haaave you met" your own mother.

barney_says.exe

Need motivation? Ask Barney.*

"It's going to be legen— wait for it…"

*Barney's advice is for entertainment only. For actual advice, see Mom. For very long advice with a twist ending, see Future Dad.

the_cookbook.exe

The Cookbook,* Play #1: "The Chocolate Chip"

How many?

    The Chip Theory: in every great pair, one person loves the chocolate chips and the other gives theirs away. That's how you know. (If you both love the chips: double the chips.)

    An apron printed to look like a suit with a pink tie, on a hanger.
    Apron up!

    Not to be confused with the Eriksen Seven-Layer Salad. No mayonnaise goes in these cookies.

    *Like The Playbook, but every play is a cookie and nobody gets tricked. Other plays include The Lorenzo Von Chocochip (bake cookies so good that people look you up), The Scuba Diver (wear oven mitts and goggles, refuse to explain until the cookies are done) and The Ted Mosby (tell a very long story about the cookies; serve no cookies until season 9). **Slapsgiving guest list, date and slap allocation are set by the Slap Bet Commissioner, who is Mom.

    how_i_baked_your_cookies.doc

    Kids, here's how it happened

    *As long as The Mother hasn't said otherwise. If she says stop at step 6, the story ends at step 6. Future Dad will still narrate it for 40 minutes.

      the_kitchen_incident.evidence

      How to leave the kitchen in a Normal State*

      "Kids, the kitchen was in a Normal State when she found it. And it was going to be in a Normal State when she left it. Here, with the help of the whole gang, is a complete list of things that definitely nobody in this family has ever done."

      A spotless kitchen: clear counters, empty sink, crisp white curtains, one plate of cookies.
      Figure 1: a Normal State. Study it. Memorize it. This is "before". This is also "after". The only permitted difference is cookies.
      White kitchen curtains covered in chocolate smears and one small chocolate handprint.
      Exhibit A

      Barney says: Do NOT smear chocolate on the kitchen window curtains.

      They are white. It is sticky. Yes, they are hanging right there at hand height. Yes, they feel exactly like a towel. They are not a towel. A suit is never a napkin, and by the same sacred law, neither is a curtain. "Challenge accepted" is not an appropriate response to this paragraph.

      A burst bag of flour on a kitchen floor, flour everywhere, and small white sock footprints walking away.
      Exhibit B

      Marshall says: Do NOT open the flour by slapping it.

      This is not Slapsgiving. Flour is not confetti. And please do not walk through it in socks and then through the living room. Marshall has made a chart of where the footprints go. It's the whole house. The chart is just a drawing of the house.

      A kitchen sink with a teetering tower of far too many dirty mixing bowls, whisks and trays.
      Exhibit C

      Lily says: Do NOT use every bowl in the house.

      (In her kindergarten-teacher voice, which is somehow worse than yelling.) The recipe needs two bowls, sweetie. Two. And where do dirty bowls go? Not "in a tower". And we don't leave them to "soak" until the spin-off. Lily is not mad. Lily is just going to look at you until it's done.

      A single pristine pineapple standing in the middle of a countertop covered in baking mess.
      Exhibit D

      Ted says: Do NOT leave behind anything nobody can explain.

      We still don't know where the pineapple came from. Nobody does. Don't add to the mystery. If it wasn't in the kitchen when you started, it shouldn't be there when you finish. (Ted would also like you to know it's pronounced "spa-TOO-la". It isn't.)

      Robin says: Do NOT leave the oven on.

      But, um. The butter goes back in the fridge, but, um, mostly: the oven. Turn. Off. The oven. In Canada we'd also apologize to the kitchen on the way out. Sorry, kitchen.

      ⚠️ MAJOR WARNING ⚠️Do NOT break the egg all over your phone and the kitchen counter.

      A raw egg broken on top of a smartphone lying on a kitchen counter, egg white spreading across the counter.
      Exhibit E (the expensive one)

      Future Dad: "Kids, I'm going to pause the story here, because this next part is important." You are reading this recipe on your phone. Your phone is therefore right next to the bowl. We can all see where this is going.

      1. Move the phone away from the bowl. Further. Prop it up somewhere dry.
      2. Crack the egg on the edge of the bowl, over the bowl.
      3. The egg goes in the bowl. That is the whole plan. There is no step where the egg visits the phone.
      4. If egg gets on the counter anyway: wipe it up now, with a cloth, then wash your hands. Raw egg is not a "later" thing.

      Barney: "A phone is like a suit. You do not get egg on it." Marshall has drawn a chart of where the egg goes. It is a picture of a bowl. Lily is already looking at you. Robin says in Canada the egg apologizes. Ted is explaining the etymology of "yolk" and nobody is listening. The egg goes in the bowl.

      Phones are not egg-proof. Counters are not self-cleaning. Dad's approval does not cover a new phone.* *Neither does Mom's, and hers is the one that would have counted.

      Also, and we cannot believe we have to write these down:

      • Do NOT wipe your hands on: the curtains (see Exhibit A), the sofa, the goat, your sibling, or Dad's suit.**
      • Do NOT high-five with chocolate hands. The high five is sacred. It is also, we now believe, how the curtains happened.
      • Do NOT lick the spoon and put it back in the bowl. We all saw. That's a Bro Code violation and a Mom violation, which is the bad kind.
      • Do NOT hide the burnt ones in the plant pot. The plant knows. Mom knows. It becomes a Pineapple Incident with evidence.
      • Do NOT "save" leftover dough under your bed. Nothing good happens to dough after 2 AM.
      • Do NOT leave exactly one (1) chocolate chip on the floor, to be discovered barefoot by Dad at 6 AM.
      • Do NOT describe the kitchen as "basically clean". There is no "basically" in kitchen law. LAWYERED.
      • Do NOT say "I'll clean it later." Later is when Future Dad tells stories. Now is when you wipe the counter.
      • Do NOT blame the Cockamouse. There is no Cockamouse. It was you. There are footprints. (See Exhibit B.)

      The Platinum Rule of Kitchens: never, ever, ever, ever leave it worse than you found it.

      The Return-to-Normal-State inspection

        *"Normal State" is defined by The Mother, inspected by The Mother, and ruled on by The Mother. Dad's "looks fine to me" is inadmissible. **It's an apron. It's still not a napkin.

        intervention.banner

        Elia, we love you, and we're all here because we care. But you keep opening the oven door to check on them. It lets the heat out. Use the oven light. The cookies are fine. We have letters.

        Previous interventions in this household: Dad's "Suit up!" near flour; Dad's fake British accent; Dad calling things "legendary"*. *That one didn't take.

        the_bro_code_cookie_edition.pdf

        The Bro Code: Cookie Edition*

        Handed down through the ages, from Bro to Bro, and then edited by Mom.

        1. A Bro never bakes without approval from Dad.*
        2. Mom before bros. Mom before Dad. Mom before this Code.
        3. A Bro always shares the first warm cookie. (A Bro may eat the ugliest one first, for quality control.)
        4. A Bro wears oven mitts. No exceptions. Not even for a bet. Especially not for a slap bet.
        5. A Bro never takes the last cookie without first asking "anyone want this?", very quietly, while already chewing.
        6. If a Bro burns a batch, no Bro shall ever speak of it again. It becomes The Pineapple Incident.
        7. A Bro high-fives after every tray. Self-fives are permitted when baking solo. ✋
        8. New is always better. Sole exception: cookies, where warm is always better.
        9. A Bro calls dibs out loud. Silent dibs are not dibs. The corner cookie is always in play.
        10. A Bro does not say "I could've made these better." NOBODY ASKED YOU, PATRICE.
        11. A Bro who says "challenge accepted" must actually finish the batch. Dough abandoned in the fridge is a violation.
        12. A Bro cleans the kitchen. This article was added by Mom and is the only one with enforcement.
        13. Any article of this Code may be overruled, overthrown or deleted by Mom without notice. LAWYERED.

        *The Bro Code: Cookie Edition is not recognized by any court, by Marshall (who is an actual lawyer), or by Mom. "Bro" here means anyone holding a cookie.

        marshalls_charts.ppt

        Marshall made some charts

        He's been making a lot of charts lately. We're a little worried. There may be another intervention.

        The Crispy / Chewy Scale A chart with crispy on the horizontal axis and chewy on the vertical axis. A diagonal line marks the perfect cookie. Below the line is the hockey puck zone. Far above is the raw dough zone. CRISPY → CHEWY → the Cookie Diagonal hockey puck zone (left in past minute 11) raw dough zone (see: the science thing) you are here 🍪
        The Crispy/Chewy Scale. A cookie is allowed to be crispy, as long as it is equally chewy. Stay on or above the diagonal.
        Pie chart: who calls the shots in this house A pie chart that is entirely one colour. Mom: 100 percent. Dad: 0 percent. MOM 100% Mom: 100% Dad: 0%* *that line is Dad. it has no width.
        A pie chart of who calls the shots. Not to be confused with Marshall's bar graph of his favourite pies, or his pie chart of his favourite bars.
        faq.html

        Frequently asked questions

        Did Dad really approve this?

        Yes.* True story.

        *Pending The Mother.

        Is this going to take nine seasons?

        No. About 35 minutes. Unlike Future Dad, the recipe gets to the point.

        Who's The Mother?

        The one with the yellow umbrella ☂️ and the final ruling. She shows up whenever a Dad decision needs overthrowing, which is more often than Dad's narration suggests.

        What if Mom says no?

        Then Dad gets LAWYERED. The permit is void, the challenge is un-accepted, and "legendary" is downgraded to "legen— wait for it — maybe tomorrow".*

        *Ask Mom which tomorrow.

        Can Dad overrule Mom?

        No. See Article 150.

        Dad tried once. It is now referred to only as The Pineapple Incident. Nobody will tell you what happened. Mom knows what happened.

        What's the blue French horn for? 📯

        Grand gestures. If the kitchen is left a disaster, Dad may need to steal one for Mom.*

        *Do not steal a French horn. Clean the kitchen.

        Where's the goat? 🐐

        Oh, we'll get to the goat. It's a great story.

        (We will not get to the goat.)

        My sibling has opinions about my technique.

        NOBODY ASKED YOU, PATRICE.*

        *Be nice to your sibling. That one's from Mom too.

        It's pronounced "choco-LAH-tay", actually.

        Thank you, Ted. Nobody likes it when you do that, Ted.

        What do all the little * mean?

        "Ask your mother." Every single one. It is, once again, literally the title of the show.

        What if somebody says I'm not allowed?

        Walk up, tap them on the shoulder, and say: "Haaave you met my permit?" Then press the big button.*

        *Unless that somebody is Mom. Then put the phone down slowly. The button does not work on Mom. Even Barney's plays don't work on Mom.

        Is there fine print?

        There is almost nothing else. But here's more:

        • The Cookie Tax: Dad gets at least 2 cookies. Warm ones.*
        • The kitchen ends up as clean as it started. (From Mom. Actually enforceable.)
        • Oven mitts, always. Hot trays do not care about the Bro Code.
        • All slap bets arising from cookie disputes go to the Slap Bet Commissioner (Mom), whose rulings are final and whose slaps are metaphorical.

        *Mom may claim Dad's cookies. "Thank you, Linus."